Every gamer is 13

Or at least the ones that go online apparently. I hear this a lot for players on Halo, when their own teammates will babble random vulgarities that possess absolutely no grammatical coherency. Instead of inciting images of a proper British meal, tea bags suddenly become insulting. Any word composed of more than four letters is conveniently forgotten, and people who could potentially be sweet and gentle in person are transformed into little monsters spitting hot lava from their dirty mouths. This is no isolated incident; playing Modern Warfare 2 on the PS3 brings me the same results. What’s interesting is that it always sounds like the same person; a little 13 year old boy  who sounds as if they have recently started struggling through the process of puberty. Maybe it’s a first person shooter phenomenon?

What is it about these games that bring out such horrible conversational skills? Do they honestly think that holding a semi-automatic weapon in a digital world actually makes them “badass”? Not even just first person shooters, but any sort of game from racing to rpg’s. I’m not going to lie, interrupt me while I’m on multiplayer or a ridiculous boss battle and I will throw the nearest projectile at your head. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be civil: I’ll apologize for that act. Later. After I’ve pwned some n00b ass.

Come to think of it, it’s not even restricted to video games. Starcraft players in our PC restricted war simulations? Just as bad. Only without the audio. Players will lash out in texted fury not only if they lose, but even if they win and they simply believe their opponent to be too far below them. It’s basically another outlet for trolls and their pent up nerd rage.

Rage. That’s the word. It’s basic, primal, and smears its name across every platform in existence.  No game is safe, no gamer is too mature. The power that we hold in our clammy hands corrupts all of our minds and we regress to our inner angry child, demanding that the world listen to our woes as we stomp our feet and scream till we’re red in the face. Hell hath no fury like a raging geek pumped on caps lock.

 

OMFG $#&% DOGS #@& $#*! @#! (%$.

UPDATE: Of course I find this article *after* I post my shpeal. Thanks, Gamepro. http://www.gamepro.com/article/features/217085/the-psychology-of-anonymity/

 

 

Internet induced hypochondria

Medical students’ syndrome, or Medical students’ disease, is the situation a medical student finds him/herself in when they are studying a disease and come to the conclusion that they are suffering that exact illness. Usually symptoms listed in textbooks and case studies are so broad and vague (I mean really, name “rash” as a symptom and you’ll have 100 different illnesses) that medical students read them like horoscopes; it all somehow relates to them. Except instead of thinking that their true love will run into them on this day, they’ve suddenly contracted a rare and deadly form of oral syphilis.

Once again thanks to modern technology and the layman’s skyrocketing internet usage, medical students are no longer the only ones susceptible to this broad spectrum of fear. Just Google any bodily function of yours and you are bound to stumble across some rare and exotic disease that matches your situation to the dot. Remember that grape you ate last week? Unfortunately 1 in 2,000,000 people suffer from a rare allergic reaction to grapes that makes them tired in the morning, hate work, get angry during traffic, and have poorly timed bowel movements. Oh my God that’s me! I knew it wasn’t really my fault when I stapled my coworker’s sweater together!

Even worse are the online quizzes (why in the world is that z doubled) that will tell you what illness you have based on the answers you give. How often do you feel lethargic? Honestly, how many times do you burp a day? In what direction do you get headaches? After what seems to be an hour of nothing but filling in digital bubbles you come to a professional, and completely reliable discovery about your failing health. I myself have learned from the powers that be on the internet that not only do I have chronic daily headache syndrome, I am manic depressive, have type I diabetes, and most likely harbor a parasitic worm in my brain that is surrounding a benign tumor caused by eating non-organic foods. All this discovered on my quest to find out why I have moderate headaches. Maybe I’m looking in the wrong place?

But the internet, in all its wisdom and truth, has shown me yet another option to the source of my headaches. I, in the prime of my youth, am now maturing into my super powers. Most likely a form of telekinesis or telepathy, which will then help me to save the world. Long story short, I will be reborn!

 

Nope. It was the oral syphilis.