Oh President’s Day. For some, today is a holiday, which means these lucky people get the day off work and don’t have to go to school.
For others, it’s just another day when you can’t get a customer service representative on the phone because their offices are conveniently closed like the punks in the previous sentence. Unfortunately, I am one of these “others”. Oh woe is me.
<According to my buddies at Wikipedia, today technically started off as celebrating Washington’s birthday… but he’s the father of all presidents, isn’t he? Aren’t they all related in some sort of political gene pool fiasco? Therefore: His birthday is their birthday. Done.>
What sort of country are we if only half of our people are allowed to take off in order to celebrate this great day? We ignore the birthdate of our grand forefathers but party hard for some dirty foreigner wearing a green leprachaun costume?
This national schism must be put to an end! As a concerned citizen, I want the right to celebrate a day of our dead presidents via non-productivity and ridiculous prices! Let us all join hands as brothers and sisters of the greatest country on earth and unite in our festivities~
Honestly though, what else are we supposed to do on President’s Day? Fourth of July already took the cool stuff, like fireworks and red/white/blue paraphernalia and American flag cakes. The only thing we have left is the holiday catch-all: sales.
There is absolutely no better way to celebrate our presidents than to be the lavish consumers we Americans are expected to be. We have a civic duty to show the rest of the world that we’re still going strong with the ol’ American way. But alas, how am I supposed to show my patriotism if I can’t go on a poorly executed shopping binge? This bottle of toothpaste is 50% off??? TIME TO MAKE FDR PROUD!
Today, my friends, has been a test of our true patriots: our consumers. Thus, we must fight for the right to have the day off across the board in order to rise to their example, as the cash-throwing, credit card-wielding, debt-defying citizens who show the true face of USA. I’m quite positive that George Washington wished for nothing more than the image of fiscal irresponsibility coupled with inflated market growth to be linked with his birthday.
Yeah. Precisely that. What else could he have possibly wanted?