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Tag Archives: vision

Do not remove under penalty of law

Not having anything near good eye sight is an odd thing. Sure there’s the normal lack of of peripheral vision, the tendency to wake up in the morning unable to see what time it is, mixing up the shampoo and conditioner in the shower, and etcetera, but these are all common side effects of being visually impaired. Every now and then though, not being able to see worth a damn can be quite amusing.

Take for example: hair dryers. I’m a die hard fan of letting hair air dry, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and kill your hair for the sake of vanity and time constraints. Or if it’s during the winter and walking outside with wet hair is basically a death wish.

I'm smiling because my hair is as brittle as my soul!

Yesterday was one of those days (time constraint, not winter), so I pull out my handy dandy blow dryer, wipe off the dust, and take off my glasses.

Why the glasses?

They’re made of metal. I don’t want superheated air anywhere near metal that is touching my skin; what if it burns? Or I get some sinister glasses frame branding? You can call me paranoid, but I’m really just very very sensitive. That’s right, I’m the wimp that winces when the hair stylist pulls out the curling iron. Ohhhh the fear~!

So off go the glasses, on revs the blow dryer, and I stand in front of the mirror as if it will help me optimize air coverage. I’m wearing a black shirt so to my weak eyes the black cord of the dryer is lost: I can however quite clearly see the blurry white square that is the label. This gets me thinking “Oh ho, tee hee, I have a label on me. I wonder what it says? Aren’t I being so witty?”

Let me just say that it’s a bit sad when you end up doing what you’re making fun of, since I did end up wondering what it would say. Here’s a few that I remember:

  • Warning: Prone to sarcasm. Listen with a grain generous handful of salt.
  • Do not feed the animals. Only offer ice cream.
  • Specimen of Generation Y – Under observation for self-entitlement.
  • Defective product – will not balance, return to sender.
  • Out of style circa 1995; 90% off clearance!
Who says you need sight to make sense of the world?
 
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Posted by on June 4, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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The price of vision

I have been a proud grudging wearer of glasses ever since I was in second grade, when my teacher realized that having a student sit a foot away from the chalk board was in poor feng shui taste. In retrospect I realize glasses are a good fit for me, seeing as how the lenses artificially cause my eyes to seem larger, and therefore, existent. If I peer closely at myself without glasses using a mirror two inches away from my nose I can see how my face over time has come to rely on these glasses to balance out my facial proportions. It’s like having a prosthetic arm, except not quite as traumatizing, expensive, or, tricked out.

 

Festo: Airic's arm

Image: tricked out

 

As with all things in life, there are pros and cons to having glasses. The most obvious pro, of course, being my vision. With glasses, I can almost compete with normal eyed people in normal eyed people activities, like driving, reading, and ignoring “no loitering” signs. Without glasses, I’m too afraid to move from where I’m standing for fear of walking off a cliff.

Glasses also allow me to add some dramatic flair to my life. Time’s running out and the contractors completely messed up their assignment? Cue heavy sigh and removal of glasses, dramatic pinching of nose bridge while I work on a plan to save everyone’s lives. Level up to Badass Management. Win.

Need a nerd moment to educate the layman? Push up middle bridge of glasses with pointer finger and have lenses reflect a glint of perfectly timed sunlight. Ultimate nerd points achieved. Win.

Suddenly in need of a silent flirt ? Carefully grasp edge of glasses closest to target and pull down, peer at said target over top rim of lenses. Angle line of vision for best results, insert seductive wink. Evolve into Sexy Librarian. Win.

This last one I’ve yet to try, but at some point I’m pretty sure it will come in handy.

But alas with all these wonderful positives, glasses withold from me the simplest pleasures of life and darkens other moments. Like what, you ask? Allow me to elaborate with three well thought out scenarios.

Scenario 1: You are out frolicking with your friends. Conversation begins with video games. Topic follows down path to first person shooter games. Friend A speaks loudest with most commentary. Friend A then continues to ask what a first person shooter is. Congratulations! You have now been given the perfect opportunity to execute a facepalm!

But you can’t do it because your hands would awkwardly smudge up your glasses! Resort to a not so dramatic forehead slap. Moment is lost forever.

Scenario 2: An essay is due within two hours. Laptop is strategically placed on desk next to a steaming bowl of ramen, because dammit you forgot to go grocery shopping and that was the only edible thing you could find in the house all day. You type, you eat, you type- oh noes, the ramen has steamed up your glasses and you cannot see!

Precious moments are lost, essay is never completed, class is flunked, mediocre job awaits, spouse and kids leave, life ruined.

Scenario 3: A stupid jerk in 3rd grade calls you four eyes.

Stupid, stupid jerk…

 
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Posted by on November 5, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

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