Tag Archives: Thanksgiving

Thankful for weakness

Tis the time of year once again where little children trace their stubby, disproportional hands and fill them in with colors of fall they’ve probably only seen on TV. ‘Cause like, really, who goes outside anymore?

E-mail inboxes are filled to the brim with cheesy holiday e-cards, sentimental powerpoints and seasonally appropriate jpegs. It’s the official beginning of the season of cheer, family, and graciousness. So we post about it on our blogs and facebooks and twitter, citing happy holidays, delicious turkey day, and a generous seasoning of “I am thankful for ___” lists. Because no first world country would be complete without the smug sense of humility that comes from verbally expressing thanks for concepts as everyday to us as running water and sterile turkeys.

What sort of person would I be, then, if I didn’t continue the tradition? There must be something I’m thankful for, and it shall be publicized to show just how grateful of a spoiled brat I am!

After tedious minutes of deliberation, and notching off the regulars (family, friends, internet) I realized that ultimately there is one thing that we as an entire species should be thankful for.


As a member of the modern homo genus, I am thankful for the absolute pitiful nature of our human condition. We are some of the neediest, most inept, frailest creatures on this planet, and for that we have reached awesomeness.

On the top of the food chain, predators are judged only by their abilities. Their strength, their cunning, their natural weapons such as claws or teeth or poison. They tend to live alone, or at most in small groups with single leaders and intra-pack competition. On the other hand, there exist the prey, the swarm animals who live as one humongous organism, like ants or flocks of birds and schools of fish. Each individual only does their part, and if the path of the group causes that individual to die, so be it. The horde lives on. They have strength in sheer numbers, and each member is simply a piece of the bigger picture.


But humans have neither the abilities of the predator nor the hive mentality of the prey. We have no sharp fangs or long talons or toxic barbs. We can’t run very quickly, or jump very high, and we have no chance at flying or surviving in the water with our flaccid limbs and sensitive skin. We can’t be proper hive animals either. Each one of us demands to be noticed, to stand out in some way to somebody, and no sort of hive can survive with such selfish individuals.

The only thing that saved us as a species, the one key component that no other animal can even try to compare with, is our desperate need. Physical needs to be part of a group that can stand a chance against the stronger predators. Emotional needs to be wanted and supported by someone. Too weak to be predators, too selfish to be prey, we latch onto each other because we physically can’t survive alone, and emotionally can’t stand to lose one who cares about us. All of our innovation, successes, and world domination have come from the existence of our grand collection of countries filled with people living together. Which grew from cities of people working and interacting with each other. Which grew from villages with families and trading. Which grew from two humans meeting up and realizing they had to do everything in their power to keep each other alive, so that they could live together, hunt together, and share emotional 140 character tweets with each other.

Cheers to being pathetic.

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Posted by on November 24, 2011 in Uncategorized


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Unending holidays

So it’s the weekend of Thanksgiving, we’ve shipped my little brother back to the confines of his dorm, leftover turkey pot pies are baking in the oven, the house is on fire outside with icicle lights, the tree is up and ornament..ed… and Christmas carols are making their way onto my piano. Man, I can play a mean Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy. Ahh, holidays. You smell that in the air?

It’s the scent of panic.

Holidays? Holidays?! You mean it’s time to make vacation time and funds to meet out of state family and buy presents make a gift list for people to potentially buy presents for but probably end up just making a shit ton of cookies for them and plan Christmas events at church alongside finding time (and more money) to go snowboarding and hang out with all the people coming back to the state and grab a boyfriend to kiss on New Year’s?

Okay, you’ve caught me, I’ve never really done the New Year’s kiss thing. Always seemed kinda… odd. What if you messed up your timing and started making out too early and suddenly you have to take a breath right when the clock struck 12? Or maybe you’re in such a rush to get to that fresh New Year kiss that you end up butting heads and one of you gets a bloody nose? Or what if the ball dropping on TV is like two seconds slower than your watch which is three seconds faster than your cellphone; which do you follow? There are far too many factors to take into consideration!! Not to mention, breakup rates are highest the 2 weeks before Christmas, so you probably won’t have a boyfriend by New Year’s anyway. Shucks.

Back on topic: Thanksgiving is officially the kick start of the ridiculously long and over hyped holiday season. You find yourself dozing off in a warm and fuzzy food coma, and the next thing you know you’re trapped in between two middle aged women who are tearing off limbs at the nearest Black Friday sale, stocking up on gifts for people they probably only see annually and spoiled children that haven’t believed in Santa Clause for years and probably borrow money from their parents to buy their parents’ gifts, if at all.

I’m not harping on the holidays; Thanksgiving is nice, Christmas is cheery, and New Years is refreshing, if not the deadline of false hopes and promises. But do they have to be so back to back? Thanksgiving turkey and Christmas ham and New Year’s champagne could probably be taken in a single pill without you noticing the difference. Within the span of a few weeks the home magazines are changing interior decorations from brown and red to red and green to black and gold and then we get pink (Valentine’s) and green (St. Patrick’s) and yellow (Easter) and argh TASTE THE RAINBOW (…Mardi Gras?).

On the flip side, July, August, and September are awesome months, not just because they bring the nostalgic promise of summer vacation, but because there’s just that one holiday (fourth of July) at the beginning, then three months of major holiday free bliss. The only theme in shopping malls is either SUMMER SAVINGS or BACK TO SCHOOL SALE, both of which are not lit up by bright colorful lights across every pole and shelf on the street. Not only that, it’s relaxing.

Here in the dead of winter when the rest of nature is rightfully sleeping away, it’s as if humanity is trying to fight our natural hibernation urges by injecting ourselves with liquid snowflake sugar cookies. Nay, we say, we are not mere beasts of the land that sleep through the coldest part of the year! We are highly evolved. We are humans! Manic, shopping humans! And we spite thee, Old Man Winter, by spending the bulk of our yearly incomes and pouring the vast majority of our energy into this two month frenzy! We are happy! Happy! WATCH AS WE STAB OUR CLINICAL DEPRESSION IN THE BACK WITH SHARPENED CANDY CANES! (New statistics show that suicide rates do actually fall during the holidays… yay?)

And then along comes February with the celebration of our romantic lovers (Remember? The ones who broke up with us right before Christmas) and the dwindling gym passes as we slowly realize that once again our New Year’s resolution has been forgotten under the pile of normal life. Holidays are great for boosting spirits and being all hopeful and such, but there can be too much of a good thing. Ever tried eating only pie for a week straight? The holidays are kinda like that. You have awesome sugary fruity goodness for a few weeks, then life hits back with a solid dose of reality diarrhea.

Which reminds me. My turkey pot pies are burning. That’s what I was smelling…

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Posted by on November 29, 2010 in Uncategorized


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Congratulations to the successful illegal immigrants!

Several hundred years ago the founders of the great nation that is America  sailed across the Atlantic Ocean and brought their civilized and blessed society to the savage natives of this land. Once they stepped upon the hallowed ground of the Western hemisphere they quickly set about to spread their influence like a flood, joyfully thriving and flourishing along the east coast and eventually conquering the lands to the west. Within a few generations the sea sick travelers from the Old World trekked across the country and can now rightfully claim their place on the throne of privilege from sea to shining sea.

Here, we take a moment in our busy lives, giving one day out of the year to celebrate the journey and success of our founders. Here, we applaud the successful subjugation and overthrowing of the Native Americans that wasted their opportunity at subduing the natural resources of this great country. We fixed their silly laws and backwards cultures and honed it to our righteous understanding of justice.

And most importantly, here we congratulate the success of the mass illegal immigration of America! Hoorah to our founders and their border crossing prowess; allow us to hold a toast to the brave men and who women who dared to cross an entire ocean to invade a foreign land. Praise be to those that took the jobs and welfare of the land from the natives! Raise your glass to the grand values of the founders, the true patriots that risked all to bring class to this backwards country! Feast in their honor oh civilians of the new age, stuff your faces until you pass out in awe and admiration of their selfless entrance into the New World!

Oh man I love stuffing. Thanksgiving is awesome.

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Posted by on November 25, 2010 in Uncategorized


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