I have been a proud grudging wearer of glasses ever since I was in second grade, when my teacher realized that having a student sit a foot away from the chalk board was in poor feng shui taste. In retrospect I realize glasses are a good fit for me, seeing as how the lenses artificially cause my eyes to seem larger, and therefore, existent. If I peer closely at myself without glasses using a mirror two inches away from my nose I can see how my face over time has come to rely on these glasses to balance out my facial proportions. It’s like having a prosthetic arm, except not quite as traumatizing, expensive, or, tricked out.
As with all things in life, there are pros and cons to having glasses. The most obvious pro, of course, being my vision. With glasses, I can almost compete with normal eyed people in normal eyed people activities, like driving, reading, and ignoring “no loitering” signs. Without glasses, I’m too afraid to move from where I’m standing for fear of walking off a cliff.
Glasses also allow me to add some dramatic flair to my life. Time’s running out and the contractors completely messed up their assignment? Cue heavy sigh and removal of glasses, dramatic pinching of nose bridge while I work on a plan to save everyone’s lives. Level up to Badass Management. Win.
Need a nerd moment to educate the layman? Push up middle bridge of glasses with pointer finger and have lenses reflect a glint of perfectly timed sunlight. Ultimate nerd points achieved. Win.
Suddenly in need of a silent flirt ? Carefully grasp edge of glasses closest to target and pull down, peer at said target over top rim of lenses. Angle line of vision for best results, insert seductive wink. Evolve into Sexy Librarian. Win.
This last one I’ve yet to try, but at some point I’m pretty sure it will come in handy.
But alas with all these wonderful positives, glasses withold from me the simplest pleasures of life and darkens other moments. Like what, you ask? Allow me to elaborate with three well thought out scenarios.
Scenario 1: You are out frolicking with your friends. Conversation begins with video games. Topic follows down path to first person shooter games. Friend A speaks loudest with most commentary. Friend A then continues to ask what a first person shooter is. Congratulations! You have now been given the perfect opportunity to execute a facepalm!
But you can’t do it because your hands would awkwardly smudge up your glasses! Resort to a not so dramatic forehead slap. Moment is lost forever.
Scenario 2: An essay is due within two hours. Laptop is strategically placed on desk next to a steaming bowl of ramen, because dammit you forgot to go grocery shopping and that was the only edible thing you could find in the house all day. You type, you eat, you type- oh noes, the ramen has steamed up your glasses and you cannot see!
Precious moments are lost, essay is never completed, class is flunked, mediocre job awaits, spouse and kids leave, life ruined.
Scenario 3: A stupid jerk in 3rd grade calls you four eyes.
Stupid, stupid jerk…