Human nature demands that we all possess the self confidence of an upturned cockroach. We’re laying there on our backs wriggling about in self conscious loathing, acutely aware of the eyes looking at you in disgust, and the awkward angles of your limbs, a sharp stick figuratively poking at your exposed underbelly. Plus you’re a damn cockroach. No one likes you.
But as if our human nature wasn’t enough to constantly make us feel like fools, there are those moments in life that we all go through that shift us from fool to regretfully idiotic. A few examples.
1. Stubbing your toe on an inanimate object you specifically tried to avoid for the past three minutes. Twice.
2. Rinsing the water off of your toothbrush after brushing your teeth and getting a fine mist of water/toothpaste sprayed in your eye. It burns. It cools. It’s a sick sensation.
3. Waking up in the middle of the night because it’s cold and pulling your blanket over yourself, only to accidentally punch yourself in the face.
4. Walking back up the stairs for the umpteenth time because you immediately forgot what it was you went downstairs for. Then remembering why the moment you get all the way to the top.
5. Instinctively answering “you too” to the employee at the theater telling you to “enjoy the movie”. This also works in response to waiters/waitresses that say “enjoy your meal”.
6. Dipping your veggie in soy sauce when the ranch was clearly on the other side of the plate. You eat it anyway.
7. Holding a leash while exiting your garage, only to realize moments later that your dog has not been attached to it yet. You shuffle back inside and wait a few minutes, hoping the neighbors that just saw you won’t be there when you leave again.
8. Calling your supervisor/coworker by the wrong name for a week before looking at the name plate on their desk. Act like nothing happens and slip their real name into the next conversation several times for good measure.
9. Search frantically for your glasses for ten minutes before realizing they’re still on your face, and that you never take them off because you’re blind without them anyway.
10. Gulp down a glass of milk in record time because you accidentally poured milk instead of juice, but don’t want to waste what you’ve poured. End up not drinking juice because you’re suddenly full and uncomfortable.
Lesson here? Er… you’re going to end up looking stupid at some point in life anyway so don’t even bother avoiding it.